Geez ... it has been soooo long since I have gotten a chance to write a new blog. Since September it looks like. So much has happened. Mario moved out November 3!! Yay for me, and I finished school on November 6th!!... double yay for me... Anyhow, I have been working for a small company in Malvern doing bookkeeeping and some other accounting things. Its a nice paying job, easy location and friendly coworkers. I stayed in the house with the kids and I collect child support from my soon to be ex husband every week... Life is good at this point. I am okay with being by myself raising 4 kids, especially with the Holiday season right around the corner. They are doing wonderful with being with just MOM... much to my ex spouse's dismay. Oh well, his life will go on just like mine is. Nothing much else is going on... life is a gift, one that I look forward to each and every day. I have learned to live for today, pray for tomorrow and hope for the future. Happy H0lidays, Everyone !!
Just Read so You know where I am now ...
Until I logged on to here, I didn't realize that it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog. Where does the time go? I am so busy with school, kids, football, and everything else in between that I barely have a chance to catch my breath. But enough about the mundane things that have been going on lately, let's get to the good stuff...
Well, where do I start? Let's see ... hmm... I am on my last term at school, graduation is looming up quickly, only 6 more weeks to go ... Yay Me !! Then I will be on to bigger and better things for sure, at least I hope so, but only time will tell... And hopefully that will include the friends I have made along the way. Some stressful issues have come to play lately, especially with my "midnight poker" player, and just some basic bull from some friends. I am a good person, I know I am. I make decisions, personal decisions, that I think are affecting me and me only. No one in my house knows exactly where I go when I go out, and they don't care to ask. What kind of situation does that show? Not a good one in my books... but it's good in the way that it allows me the freedom I crave to be a wild person for just that one night in time. And lately, it has been that one night in time situation, just because school and other obligations are demanding such a high priority in our lives. I wish for just one night that all the obligations that have been in the way of a midnight poker game would just disappear and allow the games to begin. But however, it hasn't and I am no longer sure if it will continue. I ask myself daily if this is what I truely want and is it what I truely deserve? Haven't I had enough of being the last person on someone's list? Obviously by the way I am barely hanging on to my secret, I haven't; which makes me question who I am and what the hell am I doing? I wish things were different, yet I have a instinct that they won't. For some reason, I feel as if my time spent with my midnight poker player was just a figment of imagination and wishful thinking, but I know that isn't right because I was there, playing along with the game and enjoying it to the fullest. Now I wonder, where did it all go wrong? Why isn't it as easy as it was then? Was that it? Or is there something more to come? I got asked if I was planning on leaving my husband, and truthfully, I am but all in due time. I have children to protect and care for and they are my first priority. I squeeze out time to text, call, or just IM and I get barely a nibble in return. Am I that much of an embarrassment to you? Or is the end near? Don't give me the crap about not liking what you are reading either cause I have had enough of the excuses. I want the damn truth and nothing but the truth. Since I am the one putting myself at risk for losing everything, its the least you can do.
Saying I'm Sorry
How do you say you're sorry to someone if they aren't listening? I have called, texted, left voicemails and still no response. As I sit here crying, I wonder was my comment so bad? Even after everything else that has been said, was it really worth all this dismay? How many times can I say I am sorry for jumping the gun and saying something that was mean? Plans were made, and broken various times over the course of time, and yet because I made a mistake and a rude comment, the one plan that was set in stone was disrupted. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right. Is it time that you need to get over the anger? Or is everything completely finished? What does "good day" mean? I know you are mad at me, but itsn't this worth talking it through? Isn't it worth a phone call or a text? Why the silent treatment? That just makes everything worse than before. When I got home after running to the store, I got asked why I was so upset and crying; and yet again I made up some excuse for my sadness. I wanted to be with you as planned for the night, and unfortunately it didn't happen. Which I know is completely my fault, I am not saying its not my fault. It's like what was said in the texts from prior days: all I want is to be held all night long, to gossip, to laugh, to have fun, and it doesn't always have to end up with intimacy. We aren't spring chickens anymore. Please forgive me. I am truely sorry.
Midnight Poker Games
Does anyone really know what a "midnight poker game" is all about? There are a few of my friends that know the true meaning of the words. It is not your usual meaning, it means something very special to me. It is my escape route from my house to my special friends house... who is not going to be named now. I go and hang out, chill, relax, laugh, and basically have a great time. My husband doesn't provide that for me so I choose to find it elsewhere. If my marriage was worth saving, I wouldn't be playing midnight poker games. It is my own little secret that is shared with my closest friends. And they all know what my home life is all about and how I desperately want to change it but cannot until I have that degree in my hand ... which is coming quicker than I ever imagined. I do have a plan in mind for when I have my degree in hand, one that will blow my husband out of the water because he suspects nothing. I will leak nothing of my plan until the particular day comes when it is absolutely necessary. Then I am sure that all hell with break loose and I am sure that there will be many questions that will need to be answered. And I have every intention of laying everything on the line at that point in time. Expectation makes the world go round ...
I assume that my last blog before this raised alot of questions to my special friend, and I am sorry for the confusion. I should of spoken to you privately before blurting everything out in the open, however, it has been tough to keep things contained when it builds inside. I do apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I will make it up to you at one of our "midnight poker games."
Pipe Dreams
The definition of a pipe dream is "a fantastic but vain hope" or "a plan, desire, or idea that will not likely work; a near impossibility" according to an obscure web site. I had a dream, and it was a reality for just a little while, then it vanished into thin air. It all started over 10 years ago with a certain someone who was once important in my life for almost 2 years... then it blew up just like is now... some shit, different time period. And here I thought things would be different; I am such a fool. But that is the price you pay when pipe dreams do not become a reality and stay a pipe dream. I took a gamble on something that I thought was going to make my happiness front and center and instead all I got was disappointment and now a little anger. No matter what, I will not cry again. It is time the record gets changed and I attempt to make the life I have now, the one that makes me happy. Some tough choices have to be made now, do I come completely clean with the innocent party that knows nothing of my deception; or do I take my secret to the grave? I stand to lose a whole hell of alot if I do spill my little secret, but what damage will it cause if I keep it to myself? I can admit that I made a mistake, and that it may not happen again, but will that satisfy the innocent party?or am I in for a vast change in my life? I think that question that needs to be answered is "will it happen again?" I cannot answer that honestly. I know I cannot. If the other person involved in this, excluding the innocent one, called me up; or should I say in today's times; texted me, would I drop everything I am doing to run to that person? Will I want to be with that person as I am now or would I finally have the strength to say NO and mean it? I don't think I would be able to say NO and mean it to this person. What does that mean? I haven't a clue. I know that there is something about this person who makes me smile, laugh, and relax. Even after all these years, I still am attracted to him in the most humanly way possible. How can this all be? Why is the attraction so great that I can't let go? I wish I knew the answers to my many questions. Perhaps in time the sky will clear, and the answer will appear from Heaven.
Blasts from the Past and ALL THAT JAZZ ..
Has anyone ever thought of where they would be 10 years down the road when they were back in their teenage years? I know I didn't. I just lived each day as it was meant to live. There was once an old adage that was said to me, "If something means alot to you, let it go ... if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be, and if it never returns, it wasn't meant to be" ... has anyone else ever heard that phrase or something thereof? I joined Facebook due to a little pressure from my dear friend, Char Char, and since that time, I have gotten in contact with all parts of my past, present and future. WOW !! That is all I can say. I am still dumbfounded by the shear number of people that know one another and how small the world really is. Recently, I have come into contact with some people that I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought about until lately. My Blast from the Past is in full frontal gear and ready to rock and roll ! Shock of my night and all that jazz ! This is all thanks to Facebook, mind you, that the world became smaller with each and every friend request that is accepted. How can something so insignificant come to be a large part of my daily life? Is there some mesmorizing piece of the puzzle that I miss when I log on? Is there some hold on the people who have joined, or will be joining that make it so interesting to talk for hours on end about miscellaneous bull that isn't really significant in the daily existence of life? I have yet to discover what draws my constant attention, my every spare minute ... you know the one I am talking about ... the comment when you say, Oh I am only going to see who is online, read some status updates and log off, and then 3 hours later, you have yet to log off, having gotten into a conversation of one the million of people who know people who know even more people. It gets exasperating just to think in shear number size of how many members there are and how many more join everyday.
But excuse me while I get back to the topic at hand, ... so my blast from the past is someone that I haven't seen in almost 11 years, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, I haven't worked out the specifics yet, and anyhow, first off I was surprised that he accepted MY friend request. second, I was quite surprised when he accepted a conversation with me. third, i was very surprised when we chatted for over an hour. needless to say, IMPRESSIVE. Maybe a true friendship will build from here, because back when I can say we knew each other then, there wasn't. At least if you think about it long enough, it wasn't. But we don't live in the past, only the present and we look forward to the future. However, my goal was not to develop a true lifelong friendship at the door. Curiousity and all that jazz were the main focal points of the conversation. I learned some things, said some things, hopefully got a laugh on some things, but basically just enjoyed the first conversation I have had in a long time where someone doesn't want something from me in the next few minutes or hours. Just an easy going conversation, no pressure ... and that is just what I needed after the previous week from hell. My one only hope is that is won't be a one time deal, that it could possibly happen again, if the timing is right and ALL THAT JAZZ!!
A Few Announcements
What is it about birthdays that make people act a little crazy? This week had to be the most craziest I have ever seen it in a long time. First things first, Stephanie finally had Natalie Alexia on Tuesday, July 7 after only 2 1/2 hours of labor. She had no epidural and was a real champ!! Then on the way out of the hospital after visiting with the newborn, mommy and daddy ... we were talking and smoking outside and more drama happens.. a good friend of matt (Natalie's dad) was stabbed after being called out for a possible reconciliation with the ex girlfriend, who had planned the jumping ... needless to say, cops were involved and no arrests were made as yet, but only time will tell... Oh well, on to Wednesday, July 8th ... nothing exciting happened this day, just went and visited the new family at the hospital and skipped my morning classes because I was exhausted from the night before, then went to my evening class; which was boring as ever... why are some people so ridiculous in their mid 20's? they think that their comments can't be heard across the room? Baloney ... it can be! On to Thursday, July 9th ... first it is my brother's 18th birthday today, Congrats Joey!! and also Natalie and Mom came home from the hospital amidst a crisis in my own home. Why do I put up with such a pain in the butt for a husband? I will never understand why I continue to stay and deal with HIS bullshit on a daily basis. So what did I do, I escaped to my girl's house where I can relax and hang out without hearing constant complaining from my husband and kids... Also today, at school, we celebrated Mr. Dillard's birthday whose big day is on Sunday. We had ice cream cake, cupcakes, cookies, juice, soda, balloons, and a cheese and pepperoni tray ... YUM!!! it was delicious. So I am dreading this upcoming Saturday, which is my 31st birthday. I stopped celebrating a long time ago and yet my family is making a big deal about it. Who cares if I don't want a cake, who cares if I don't want a personal favorite dinner, who cares if I don't want to be bothered on that day? No one, that's for sure! Not one member of my family listened to me earlier tonight about MY wished for MY birthday, they just acted as if I didn't answer their questions. What a load of crap!! Just what I need to round out my day and my week. Why can't I just escape from it all? just for a few hours? But yet, I will be stuck doing nothing of importance because its not an important day. Depressing stuff !! But that is what life is all about !!
Why is depression so hard to shake? How can 1 person make you feel as if you don't belong in the same place as they are? or even the same earth? I feel like that more and more each day, that my sanity is slowing slipping away to a place that I can never reach to gain it back. How can I feel like this? Is something wrong with me to feel like this? I use this blog site as a journal of sorts, something to vent on without being questioned or even accused of being a little "nutty." I really don't care what people think about me, or what they say about me behind my back. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. But there are some people in this world, in my own little circle of friends and family, that think that they have to constantly put me down, or that they have to rip my dignity away from me, or to leave me so distraught that it makes them happy. Why do I put up with this? I wish sometimes I could just disappear with the kids and not have to look back. Change our names, faces, information, anything that is connected to us now and just disappear. How would the offenders feel then? Maybe it will be their turn to feel as I do. I doubt that will ever happen. For now, I plan on ignoring, and learning to live my own way without bending to their rules and their wishes.
How Irritating Can It Get ?
I have a spouse who drives me absolutely crazy with stupid bullshit. Every day it is something else, whether it be about his dumb, broke down car or something to do with some wacked out commercial he saw on television. Why me? Why did I settle for this life? I guess it has to do with the fact that I was pregnant with baby #3, and third different dad. Not by choice, well kind of, I mean it wasn't as if I worked on the previous relationships with my older son's dads. I was in a bad place, life wise, when I had my children. They are the ones that brought me to reality and made me realize that life was worth it, and worth living it. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have my children. When I had the chance, I should of worked on the one relationship that was good for me, and gave me my second child. I just couldn't let go of the past disappointments and baggage to enjoy what was right in front of me the whole time. Instead, I ruined it and I can thank god everyday that in today's world, that a friendship has emerged. I think I settled because I didn't feel as if I had any choice left but marriage. I thought about calling it off so many times but yet I didn't. Now almost 5 years later, I wish I had. We have no common interests, no common views on anything, especially the children, and no interest in each other. I know I stay because of my children. I don't want to rip away what they know as a family. I wish life could be different, way different than it is today, but for that to happen, I have to finish with my new plan that was started in April 2008. My plan is to finish getting my degree and then find a nice job where I can afford to care for my children being a single parent. Of course, they can still see their dad, but I can't be a happy person stuck in a deadbeat relationship. It tears me apart, day after day, and yet I have to keep smiling because a wise person once told me that everyday that he works is one less day of work I have to do. Thanks, Charlotte. But how long am I supposed to put my self esteem at risk before I don't have any left? How am I supposed to be a good, positive parent if I can't smile? I cry myself to sleep every night, wishing that something would give. But it hasn't and doesn't appear to be on the horizon. I try my best to be the best person I can be to my children, my family and to my friends. It is a hard job to do with everything else that goes on in life and yet I get told that I am lazy and don't do anything worth while around the house. How do I not do anything worthwhile around the house? Laundry is done, groceries are in the house, I cook, and of yeah, take care of 4 children by myself every day while hubby is off at work. He is home by himself all day long, and yet I don't do anything? What a load of bullshit ! Oh yeah, I also do homework with 2 kids, plus my own, bath time, bed time and sports activities. Do I ask for anything in return? No I don't because it falls on empty ears. Constantly! My life as I knew it will never be seen again, and life as I have yet to know it will be worth the anguish and frustration I feel now. How would you feel as a person who is married to someone that plays the PlayStation and participates in fantasy football, rather than play with his children, or even do a little housework? Probably as I feel, angry, mad, pissed off, the list can go on and on forever. I wrote out my own will, and believe it or not, my parents get my insurance policy and my children if anything happens. I know that it will be the best thing I can do for them if I am no longer here to protect and care for them. Was I wrong? I don't think I was. It is what they deserve rather than to be raised by someone who does not have the time or the patience for fatherhood. Of course I wish life could be different, but who doesn't wish it? My wish just happens to be a daily wish. Is is wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to be angry? Is it wrong for me to want a divorce, and to get on with my life? No to all the questions. I have a right to feel special, to feel worthy, to feel like I am respected. I know I do!
To my dear brother, Joey ...
Congratulations on graduating from high school ! I am very proud of you even though you don't ever want to hear it from me. We have a rough relationship unless one of us needs to other for something particular. I love you and always want the best for you.
My Dear Friend Steph
I love this girl as if she was my sister from another mother. She has been there through thick and thin. I am so excited for her, she is about to have a baby daughter. Her name will be Natalie Alexis (sorry Steph if I spelled it wrong) , and I am anxious; just like her Mommy; to finally meet this little new wonder of enjoyment. Natalie will have an older brother, Colin, who will be such a good older brother and who will teach her the ways of conning Mom and Dad ... haha ... He is such a little charmer, I have no doubt that Natalie will be one too. Steph is my best friend, she never passes judgment on me, no matter what the situation, and is always there to vent to, to cry to, and to talk about daily dilemnas. I know when she reads this, she will be in tears and that is not my intention at all. I just want her to know that I love her to pieces and want was is the best for her and her family.
Days of Silence ... Will It Last ?
Have you ever had one of those friends that shows up like a bad penny? I have one of those friends; we have been friends for at least 5 years if not a little longer. Her life is constantly filled with drama, drama and even more drama. She cheated on her exhusband with her neighbor, and when he (husband) found out, he went after the neighbor with a sawed off shotgun ... needless to say, he was arrested. So what happened after this episode? She stayed with him, and a few years later, cheated yet again with the immature sorry excuse for a man. This time she did the right thing and left the husband, filed for divorce and then turned up pregnant with the new boyfriend's baby. Is there a God I asked myself? Yes there is because she miscarried around 11 weeks... sad for that aspect ... and finally this is what drove the obsessive relationship apart. After not speaking to myself or any of our other common friends, she shows up, here at my house, like weeks haven't gone by. She expects me to care about her and wants me to help fix her latest problem. Sorry, no can do ... the statue of limitations ran out a long time ago. I have so much other stuff going on that I don't have room for her and her daily drama dilemna!! Why can't she get the message through her thick skull? I don't call her, nor do I wave when I drive by, and nor do I speak to her in public. When will she learn to leave well enough alone? I hope soon enough because her daughter is the one that is suffering the most, not her, not me, but her daughter. And that is what makes me wish that I had room for one more person in my house, but unfortunately I don't. But like my mom says, she has parents and maybe it is time for the family of the Drama Dragon to step in and take over her responsibilities since it appears that she only EVER has time for the boys and not the child.
