How Irritating Can It Get ?

I have a spouse who drives me absolutely crazy with stupid bullshit. Every day it is something else, whether it be about his dumb, broke down car or something to do with some wacked out commercial he saw on television. Why me? Why did I settle for this life? I guess it has to do with the fact that I was pregnant with baby #3, and third different dad. Not by choice, well kind of, I mean it wasn't as if I worked on the previous relationships with my older son's dads. I was in a bad place, life wise, when I had my children. They are the ones that brought me to reality and made me realize that life was worth it, and worth living it. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have my children. When I had the chance, I should of worked on the one relationship that was good for me, and gave me my second child. I just couldn't let go of the past disappointments and baggage to enjoy what was right in front of me the whole time. Instead, I ruined it and I can thank god everyday that in today's world, that a friendship has emerged. I think I settled because I didn't feel as if I had any choice left but marriage. I thought about calling it off so many times but yet I didn't. Now almost 5 years later, I wish I had. We have no common interests, no common views on anything, especially the children, and no interest in each other. I know I stay because of my children. I don't want to rip away what they know as a family. I wish life could be different, way different than it is today, but for that to happen, I have to finish with my new plan that was started in April 2008. My plan is to finish getting my degree and then find a nice job where I can afford to care for my children being a single parent. Of course, they can still see their dad, but I can't be a happy person stuck in a deadbeat relationship. It tears me apart, day after day, and yet I have to keep smiling because a wise person once told me that everyday that he works is one less day of work I have to do. Thanks, Charlotte. But how long am I supposed to put my self esteem at risk before I don't have any left? How am I supposed to be a good, positive parent if I can't smile? I cry myself to sleep every night, wishing that something would give. But it hasn't and doesn't appear to be on the horizon. I try my best to be the best person I can be to my children, my family and to my friends. It is a hard job to do with everything else that goes on in life and yet I get told that I am lazy and don't do anything worth while around the house. How do I not do anything worthwhile around the house? Laundry is done, groceries are in the house, I cook, and of yeah, take care of 4 children by myself every day while hubby is off at work. He is home by himself all day long, and yet I don't do anything? What a load of bullshit ! Oh yeah, I also do homework with 2 kids, plus my own, bath time, bed time and sports activities. Do I ask for anything in return? No I don't because it falls on empty ears. Constantly! My life as I knew it will never be seen again, and life as I have yet to know it will be worth the anguish and frustration I feel now. How would you feel as a person who is married to someone that plays the PlayStation and participates in fantasy football, rather than play with his children, or even do a little housework? Probably as I feel, angry, mad, pissed off, the list can go on and on forever. I wrote out my own will, and believe it or not, my parents get my insurance policy and my children if anything happens. I know that it will be the best thing I can do for them if I am no longer here to protect and care for them. Was I wrong? I don't think I was. It is what they deserve rather than to be raised by someone who does not have the time or the patience for fatherhood. Of course I wish life could be different, but who doesn't wish it? My wish just happens to be a daily wish. Is is wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to be angry? Is it wrong for me to want a divorce, and to get on with my life? No to all the questions. I have a right to feel special, to feel worthy, to feel like I am respected. I know I do!