Until I logged on to here, I didn't realize that it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog. Where does the time go? I am so busy with school, kids, football, and everything else in between that I barely have a chance to catch my breath. But enough about the mundane things that have been going on lately, let's get to the good stuff...
Well, where do I start? Let's see ... hmm... I am on my last term at school, graduation is looming up quickly, only 6 more weeks to go ... Yay Me !! Then I will be on to bigger and better things for sure, at least I hope so, but only time will tell... And hopefully that will include the friends I have made along the way. Some stressful issues have come to play lately, especially with my "midnight poker" player, and just some basic bull from some friends. I am a good person, I know I am. I make decisions, personal decisions, that I think are affecting me and me only. No one in my house knows exactly where I go when I go out, and they don't care to ask. What kind of situation does that show? Not a good one in my books... but it's good in the way that it allows me the freedom I crave to be a wild person for just that one night in time. And lately, it has been that one night in time situation, just because school and other obligations are demanding such a high priority in our lives. I wish for just one night that all the obligations that have been in the way of a midnight poker game would just disappear and allow the games to begin. But however, it hasn't and I am no longer sure if it will continue. I ask myself daily if this is what I truely want and is it what I truely deserve? Haven't I had enough of being the last person on someone's list? Obviously by the way I am barely hanging on to my secret, I haven't; which makes me question who I am and what the hell am I doing? I wish things were different, yet I have a instinct that they won't. For some reason, I feel as if my time spent with my midnight poker player was just a figment of imagination and wishful thinking, but I know that isn't right because I was there, playing along with the game and enjoying it to the fullest. Now I wonder, where did it all go wrong? Why isn't it as easy as it was then? Was that it? Or is there something more to come? I got asked if I was planning on leaving my husband, and truthfully, I am but all in due time. I have children to protect and care for and they are my first priority. I squeeze out time to text, call, or just IM and I get barely a nibble in return. Am I that much of an embarrassment to you? Or is the end near? Don't give me the crap about not liking what you are reading either cause I have had enough of the excuses. I want the damn truth and nothing but the truth. Since I am the one putting myself at risk for losing everything, its the least you can do.
Just Read so You know where I am now ...
Saying I'm Sorry
How do you say you're sorry to someone if they aren't listening? I have called, texted, left voicemails and still no response. As I sit here crying, I wonder was my comment so bad? Even after everything else that has been said, was it really worth all this dismay? How many times can I say I am sorry for jumping the gun and saying something that was mean? Plans were made, and broken various times over the course of time, and yet because I made a mistake and a rude comment, the one plan that was set in stone was disrupted. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right. Is it time that you need to get over the anger? Or is everything completely finished? What does "good day" mean? I know you are mad at me, but itsn't this worth talking it through? Isn't it worth a phone call or a text? Why the silent treatment? That just makes everything worse than before. When I got home after running to the store, I got asked why I was so upset and crying; and yet again I made up some excuse for my sadness. I wanted to be with you as planned for the night, and unfortunately it didn't happen. Which I know is completely my fault, I am not saying its not my fault. It's like what was said in the texts from prior days: all I want is to be held all night long, to gossip, to laugh, to have fun, and it doesn't always have to end up with intimacy. We aren't spring chickens anymore. Please forgive me. I am truely sorry.
Midnight Poker Games
Does anyone really know what a "midnight poker game" is all about? There are a few of my friends that know the true meaning of the words. It is not your usual meaning, it means something very special to me. It is my escape route from my house to my special friends house... who is not going to be named now. I go and hang out, chill, relax, laugh, and basically have a great time. My husband doesn't provide that for me so I choose to find it elsewhere. If my marriage was worth saving, I wouldn't be playing midnight poker games. It is my own little secret that is shared with my closest friends. And they all know what my home life is all about and how I desperately want to change it but cannot until I have that degree in my hand ... which is coming quicker than I ever imagined. I do have a plan in mind for when I have my degree in hand, one that will blow my husband out of the water because he suspects nothing. I will leak nothing of my plan until the particular day comes when it is absolutely necessary. Then I am sure that all hell with break loose and I am sure that there will be many questions that will need to be answered. And I have every intention of laying everything on the line at that point in time. Expectation makes the world go round ...
I assume that my last blog before this raised alot of questions to my special friend, and I am sorry for the confusion. I should of spoken to you privately before blurting everything out in the open, however, it has been tough to keep things contained when it builds inside. I do apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I will make it up to you at one of our "midnight poker games."
