How do you say you're sorry to someone if they aren't listening? I have called, texted, left voicemails and still no response. As I sit here crying, I wonder was my comment so bad? Even after everything else that has been said, was it really worth all this dismay? How many times can I say I am sorry for jumping the gun and saying something that was mean? Plans were made, and broken various times over the course of time, and yet because I made a mistake and a rude comment, the one plan that was set in stone was disrupted. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right. Is it time that you need to get over the anger? Or is everything completely finished? What does "good day" mean? I know you are mad at me, but itsn't this worth talking it through? Isn't it worth a phone call or a text? Why the silent treatment? That just makes everything worse than before. When I got home after running to the store, I got asked why I was so upset and crying; and yet again I made up some excuse for my sadness. I wanted to be with you as planned for the night, and unfortunately it didn't happen. Which I know is completely my fault, I am not saying its not my fault. It's like what was said in the texts from prior days: all I want is to be held all night long, to gossip, to laugh, to have fun, and it doesn't always have to end up with intimacy. We aren't spring chickens anymore. Please forgive me. I am truely sorry.
Midnight Poker Games
Does anyone really know what a "midnight poker game" is all about? There are a few of my friends that know the true meaning of the words. It is not your usual meaning, it means something very special to me. It is my escape route from my house to my special friends house... who is not going to be named now. I go and hang out, chill, relax, laugh, and basically have a great time. My husband doesn't provide that for me so I choose to find it elsewhere. If my marriage was worth saving, I wouldn't be playing midnight poker games. It is my own little secret that is shared with my closest friends. And they all know what my home life is all about and how I desperately want to change it but cannot until I have that degree in my hand ... which is coming quicker than I ever imagined. I do have a plan in mind for when I have my degree in hand, one that will blow my husband out of the water because he suspects nothing. I will leak nothing of my plan until the particular day comes when it is absolutely necessary. Then I am sure that all hell with break loose and I am sure that there will be many questions that will need to be answered. And I have every intention of laying everything on the line at that point in time. Expectation makes the world go round ...
I assume that my last blog before this raised alot of questions to my special friend, and I am sorry for the confusion. I should of spoken to you privately before blurting everything out in the open, however, it has been tough to keep things contained when it builds inside. I do apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I will make it up to you at one of our "midnight poker games."
Pipe Dreams
The definition of a pipe dream is "a fantastic but vain hope" or "a plan, desire, or idea that will not likely work; a near impossibility" according to an obscure web site. I had a dream, and it was a reality for just a little while, then it vanished into thin air. It all started over 10 years ago with a certain someone who was once important in my life for almost 2 years... then it blew up just like is now... some shit, different time period. And here I thought things would be different; I am such a fool. But that is the price you pay when pipe dreams do not become a reality and stay a pipe dream. I took a gamble on something that I thought was going to make my happiness front and center and instead all I got was disappointment and now a little anger. No matter what, I will not cry again. It is time the record gets changed and I attempt to make the life I have now, the one that makes me happy. Some tough choices have to be made now, do I come completely clean with the innocent party that knows nothing of my deception; or do I take my secret to the grave? I stand to lose a whole hell of alot if I do spill my little secret, but what damage will it cause if I keep it to myself? I can admit that I made a mistake, and that it may not happen again, but will that satisfy the innocent party?or am I in for a vast change in my life? I think that question that needs to be answered is "will it happen again?" I cannot answer that honestly. I know I cannot. If the other person involved in this, excluding the innocent one, called me up; or should I say in today's times; texted me, would I drop everything I am doing to run to that person? Will I want to be with that person as I am now or would I finally have the strength to say NO and mean it? I don't think I would be able to say NO and mean it to this person. What does that mean? I haven't a clue. I know that there is something about this person who makes me smile, laugh, and relax. Even after all these years, I still am attracted to him in the most humanly way possible. How can this all be? Why is the attraction so great that I can't let go? I wish I knew the answers to my many questions. Perhaps in time the sky will clear, and the answer will appear from Heaven.
