What is it about birthdays that make people act a little crazy? This week had to be the most craziest I have ever seen it in a long time. First things first, Stephanie finally had Natalie Alexia on Tuesday, July 7 after only 2 1/2 hours of labor. She had no epidural and was a real champ!! Then on the way out of the hospital after visiting with the newborn, mommy and daddy ... we were talking and smoking outside and more drama happens.. a good friend of matt (Natalie's dad) was stabbed after being called out for a possible reconciliation with the ex girlfriend, who had planned the jumping ... needless to say, cops were involved and no arrests were made as yet, but only time will tell... Oh well, on to Wednesday, July 8th ... nothing exciting happened this day, just went and visited the new family at the hospital and skipped my morning classes because I was exhausted from the night before, then went to my evening class; which was boring as ever... why are some people so ridiculous in their mid 20's? they think that their comments can't be heard across the room? Baloney ... it can be! On to Thursday, July 9th ... first it is my brother's 18th birthday today, Congrats Joey!! and also Natalie and Mom came home from the hospital amidst a crisis in my own home. Why do I put up with such a pain in the butt for a husband? I will never understand why I continue to stay and deal with HIS bullshit on a daily basis. So what did I do, I escaped to my girl's house where I can relax and hang out without hearing constant complaining from my husband and kids... Also today, at school, we celebrated Mr. Dillard's birthday whose big day is on Sunday. We had ice cream cake, cupcakes, cookies, juice, soda, balloons, and a cheese and pepperoni tray ... YUM!!! it was delicious. So I am dreading this upcoming Saturday, which is my 31st birthday. I stopped celebrating a long time ago and yet my family is making a big deal about it. Who cares if I don't want a cake, who cares if I don't want a personal favorite dinner, who cares if I don't want to be bothered on that day? No one, that's for sure! Not one member of my family listened to me earlier tonight about MY wished for MY birthday, they just acted as if I didn't answer their questions. What a load of crap!! Just what I need to round out my day and my week. Why can't I just escape from it all? just for a few hours? But yet, I will be stuck doing nothing of importance because its not an important day. Depressing stuff !! But that is what life is all about !!
Why is depression so hard to shake? How can 1 person make you feel as if you don't belong in the same place as they are? or even the same earth? I feel like that more and more each day, that my sanity is slowing slipping away to a place that I can never reach to gain it back. How can I feel like this? Is something wrong with me to feel like this? I use this blog site as a journal of sorts, something to vent on without being questioned or even accused of being a little "nutty." I really don't care what people think about me, or what they say about me behind my back. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. But there are some people in this world, in my own little circle of friends and family, that think that they have to constantly put me down, or that they have to rip my dignity away from me, or to leave me so distraught that it makes them happy. Why do I put up with this? I wish sometimes I could just disappear with the kids and not have to look back. Change our names, faces, information, anything that is connected to us now and just disappear. How would the offenders feel then? Maybe it will be their turn to feel as I do. I doubt that will ever happen. For now, I plan on ignoring, and learning to live my own way without bending to their rules and their wishes.
A Few Announcements
How Irritating Can It Get ?
I have a spouse who drives me absolutely crazy with stupid bullshit. Every day it is something else, whether it be about his dumb, broke down car or something to do with some wacked out commercial he saw on television. Why me? Why did I settle for this life? I guess it has to do with the fact that I was pregnant with baby #3, and third different dad. Not by choice, well kind of, I mean it wasn't as if I worked on the previous relationships with my older son's dads. I was in a bad place, life wise, when I had my children. They are the ones that brought me to reality and made me realize that life was worth it, and worth living it. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have my children. When I had the chance, I should of worked on the one relationship that was good for me, and gave me my second child. I just couldn't let go of the past disappointments and baggage to enjoy what was right in front of me the whole time. Instead, I ruined it and I can thank god everyday that in today's world, that a friendship has emerged. I think I settled because I didn't feel as if I had any choice left but marriage. I thought about calling it off so many times but yet I didn't. Now almost 5 years later, I wish I had. We have no common interests, no common views on anything, especially the children, and no interest in each other. I know I stay because of my children. I don't want to rip away what they know as a family. I wish life could be different, way different than it is today, but for that to happen, I have to finish with my new plan that was started in April 2008. My plan is to finish getting my degree and then find a nice job where I can afford to care for my children being a single parent. Of course, they can still see their dad, but I can't be a happy person stuck in a deadbeat relationship. It tears me apart, day after day, and yet I have to keep smiling because a wise person once told me that everyday that he works is one less day of work I have to do. Thanks, Charlotte. But how long am I supposed to put my self esteem at risk before I don't have any left? How am I supposed to be a good, positive parent if I can't smile? I cry myself to sleep every night, wishing that something would give. But it hasn't and doesn't appear to be on the horizon. I try my best to be the best person I can be to my children, my family and to my friends. It is a hard job to do with everything else that goes on in life and yet I get told that I am lazy and don't do anything worth while around the house. How do I not do anything worthwhile around the house? Laundry is done, groceries are in the house, I cook, and of yeah, take care of 4 children by myself every day while hubby is off at work. He is home by himself all day long, and yet I don't do anything? What a load of bullshit ! Oh yeah, I also do homework with 2 kids, plus my own, bath time, bed time and sports activities. Do I ask for anything in return? No I don't because it falls on empty ears. Constantly! My life as I knew it will never be seen again, and life as I have yet to know it will be worth the anguish and frustration I feel now. How would you feel as a person who is married to someone that plays the PlayStation and participates in fantasy football, rather than play with his children, or even do a little housework? Probably as I feel, angry, mad, pissed off, the list can go on and on forever. I wrote out my own will, and believe it or not, my parents get my insurance policy and my children if anything happens. I know that it will be the best thing I can do for them if I am no longer here to protect and care for them. Was I wrong? I don't think I was. It is what they deserve rather than to be raised by someone who does not have the time or the patience for fatherhood. Of course I wish life could be different, but who doesn't wish it? My wish just happens to be a daily wish. Is is wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to be angry? Is it wrong for me to want a divorce, and to get on with my life? No to all the questions. I have a right to feel special, to feel worthy, to feel like I am respected. I know I do!
To my dear brother, Joey ...
Congratulations on graduating from high school ! I am very proud of you even though you don't ever want to hear it from me. We have a rough relationship unless one of us needs to other for something particular. I love you and always want the best for you.
