The definition of a pipe dream is "a fantastic but vain hope" or "a plan, desire, or idea that will not likely work; a near impossibility" according to an obscure web site. I had a dream, and it was a reality for just a little while, then it vanished into thin air. It all started over 10 years ago with a certain someone who was once important in my life for almost 2 years... then it blew up just like is now... some shit, different time period. And here I thought things would be different; I am such a fool. But that is the price you pay when pipe dreams do not become a reality and stay a pipe dream. I took a gamble on something that I thought was going to make my happiness front and center and instead all I got was disappointment and now a little anger. No matter what, I will not cry again. It is time the record gets changed and I attempt to make the life I have now, the one that makes me happy. Some tough choices have to be made now, do I come completely clean with the innocent party that knows nothing of my deception; or do I take my secret to the grave? I stand to lose a whole hell of alot if I do spill my little secret, but what damage will it cause if I keep it to myself? I can admit that I made a mistake, and that it may not happen again, but will that satisfy the innocent party?or am I in for a vast change in my life? I think that question that needs to be answered is "will it happen again?" I cannot answer that honestly. I know I cannot. If the other person involved in this, excluding the innocent one, called me up; or should I say in today's times; texted me, would I drop everything I am doing to run to that person? Will I want to be with that person as I am now or would I finally have the strength to say NO and mean it? I don't think I would be able to say NO and mean it to this person. What does that mean? I haven't a clue. I know that there is something about this person who makes me smile, laugh, and relax. Even after all these years, I still am attracted to him in the most humanly way possible. How can this all be? Why is the attraction so great that I can't let go? I wish I knew the answers to my many questions. Perhaps in time the sky will clear, and the answer will appear from Heaven.
Blasts from the Past and ALL THAT JAZZ ..
Has anyone ever thought of where they would be 10 years down the road when they were back in their teenage years? I know I didn't. I just lived each day as it was meant to live. There was once an old adage that was said to me, "If something means alot to you, let it go ... if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be, and if it never returns, it wasn't meant to be" ... has anyone else ever heard that phrase or something thereof? I joined Facebook due to a little pressure from my dear friend, Char Char, and since that time, I have gotten in contact with all parts of my past, present and future. WOW !! That is all I can say. I am still dumbfounded by the shear number of people that know one another and how small the world really is. Recently, I have come into contact with some people that I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought about until lately. My Blast from the Past is in full frontal gear and ready to rock and roll ! Shock of my night and all that jazz ! This is all thanks to Facebook, mind you, that the world became smaller with each and every friend request that is accepted. How can something so insignificant come to be a large part of my daily life? Is there some mesmorizing piece of the puzzle that I miss when I log on? Is there some hold on the people who have joined, or will be joining that make it so interesting to talk for hours on end about miscellaneous bull that isn't really significant in the daily existence of life? I have yet to discover what draws my constant attention, my every spare minute ... you know the one I am talking about ... the comment when you say, Oh I am only going to see who is online, read some status updates and log off, and then 3 hours later, you have yet to log off, having gotten into a conversation of one the million of people who know people who know even more people. It gets exasperating just to think in shear number size of how many members there are and how many more join everyday.
But excuse me while I get back to the topic at hand, ... so my blast from the past is someone that I haven't seen in almost 11 years, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, I haven't worked out the specifics yet, and anyhow, first off I was surprised that he accepted MY friend request. second, I was quite surprised when he accepted a conversation with me. third, i was very surprised when we chatted for over an hour. needless to say, IMPRESSIVE. Maybe a true friendship will build from here, because back when I can say we knew each other then, there wasn't. At least if you think about it long enough, it wasn't. But we don't live in the past, only the present and we look forward to the future. However, my goal was not to develop a true lifelong friendship at the door. Curiousity and all that jazz were the main focal points of the conversation. I learned some things, said some things, hopefully got a laugh on some things, but basically just enjoyed the first conversation I have had in a long time where someone doesn't want something from me in the next few minutes or hours. Just an easy going conversation, no pressure ... and that is just what I needed after the previous week from hell. My one only hope is that is won't be a one time deal, that it could possibly happen again, if the timing is right and ALL THAT JAZZ!!
A Few Announcements
What is it about birthdays that make people act a little crazy? This week had to be the most craziest I have ever seen it in a long time. First things first, Stephanie finally had Natalie Alexia on Tuesday, July 7 after only 2 1/2 hours of labor. She had no epidural and was a real champ!! Then on the way out of the hospital after visiting with the newborn, mommy and daddy ... we were talking and smoking outside and more drama happens.. a good friend of matt (Natalie's dad) was stabbed after being called out for a possible reconciliation with the ex girlfriend, who had planned the jumping ... needless to say, cops were involved and no arrests were made as yet, but only time will tell... Oh well, on to Wednesday, July 8th ... nothing exciting happened this day, just went and visited the new family at the hospital and skipped my morning classes because I was exhausted from the night before, then went to my evening class; which was boring as ever... why are some people so ridiculous in their mid 20's? they think that their comments can't be heard across the room? Baloney ... it can be! On to Thursday, July 9th ... first it is my brother's 18th birthday today, Congrats Joey!! and also Natalie and Mom came home from the hospital amidst a crisis in my own home. Why do I put up with such a pain in the butt for a husband? I will never understand why I continue to stay and deal with HIS bullshit on a daily basis. So what did I do, I escaped to my girl's house where I can relax and hang out without hearing constant complaining from my husband and kids... Also today, at school, we celebrated Mr. Dillard's birthday whose big day is on Sunday. We had ice cream cake, cupcakes, cookies, juice, soda, balloons, and a cheese and pepperoni tray ... YUM!!! it was delicious. So I am dreading this upcoming Saturday, which is my 31st birthday. I stopped celebrating a long time ago and yet my family is making a big deal about it. Who cares if I don't want a cake, who cares if I don't want a personal favorite dinner, who cares if I don't want to be bothered on that day? No one, that's for sure! Not one member of my family listened to me earlier tonight about MY wished for MY birthday, they just acted as if I didn't answer their questions. What a load of crap!! Just what I need to round out my day and my week. Why can't I just escape from it all? just for a few hours? But yet, I will be stuck doing nothing of importance because its not an important day. Depressing stuff !! But that is what life is all about !!
Why is depression so hard to shake? How can 1 person make you feel as if you don't belong in the same place as they are? or even the same earth? I feel like that more and more each day, that my sanity is slowing slipping away to a place that I can never reach to gain it back. How can I feel like this? Is something wrong with me to feel like this? I use this blog site as a journal of sorts, something to vent on without being questioned or even accused of being a little "nutty." I really don't care what people think about me, or what they say about me behind my back. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. But there are some people in this world, in my own little circle of friends and family, that think that they have to constantly put me down, or that they have to rip my dignity away from me, or to leave me so distraught that it makes them happy. Why do I put up with this? I wish sometimes I could just disappear with the kids and not have to look back. Change our names, faces, information, anything that is connected to us now and just disappear. How would the offenders feel then? Maybe it will be their turn to feel as I do. I doubt that will ever happen. For now, I plan on ignoring, and learning to live my own way without bending to their rules and their wishes.
