How do you say you're sorry to someone if they aren't listening? I have called, texted, left voicemails and still no response. As I sit here crying, I wonder was my comment so bad? Even after everything else that has been said, was it really worth all this dismay? How many times can I say I am sorry for jumping the gun and saying something that was mean? Plans were made, and broken various times over the course of time, and yet because I made a mistake and a rude comment, the one plan that was set in stone was disrupted. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right. Is it time that you need to get over the anger? Or is everything completely finished? What does "good day" mean? I know you are mad at me, but itsn't this worth talking it through? Isn't it worth a phone call or a text? Why the silent treatment? That just makes everything worse than before. When I got home after running to the store, I got asked why I was so upset and crying; and yet again I made up some excuse for my sadness. I wanted to be with you as planned for the night, and unfortunately it didn't happen. Which I know is completely my fault, I am not saying its not my fault. It's like what was said in the texts from prior days: all I want is to be held all night long, to gossip, to laugh, to have fun, and it doesn't always have to end up with intimacy. We aren't spring chickens anymore. Please forgive me. I am truely sorry.
Midnight Poker Games
Does anyone really know what a "midnight poker game" is all about? There are a few of my friends that know the true meaning of the words. It is not your usual meaning, it means something very special to me. It is my escape route from my house to my special friends house... who is not going to be named now. I go and hang out, chill, relax, laugh, and basically have a great time. My husband doesn't provide that for me so I choose to find it elsewhere. If my marriage was worth saving, I wouldn't be playing midnight poker games. It is my own little secret that is shared with my closest friends. And they all know what my home life is all about and how I desperately want to change it but cannot until I have that degree in my hand ... which is coming quicker than I ever imagined. I do have a plan in mind for when I have my degree in hand, one that will blow my husband out of the water because he suspects nothing. I will leak nothing of my plan until the particular day comes when it is absolutely necessary. Then I am sure that all hell with break loose and I am sure that there will be many questions that will need to be answered. And I have every intention of laying everything on the line at that point in time. Expectation makes the world go round ...
I assume that my last blog before this raised alot of questions to my special friend, and I am sorry for the confusion. I should of spoken to you privately before blurting everything out in the open, however, it has been tough to keep things contained when it builds inside. I do apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I will make it up to you at one of our "midnight poker games."
Pipe Dreams
The definition of a pipe dream is "a fantastic but vain hope" or "a plan, desire, or idea that will not likely work; a near impossibility" according to an obscure web site. I had a dream, and it was a reality for just a little while, then it vanished into thin air. It all started over 10 years ago with a certain someone who was once important in my life for almost 2 years... then it blew up just like is now... some shit, different time period. And here I thought things would be different; I am such a fool. But that is the price you pay when pipe dreams do not become a reality and stay a pipe dream. I took a gamble on something that I thought was going to make my happiness front and center and instead all I got was disappointment and now a little anger. No matter what, I will not cry again. It is time the record gets changed and I attempt to make the life I have now, the one that makes me happy. Some tough choices have to be made now, do I come completely clean with the innocent party that knows nothing of my deception; or do I take my secret to the grave? I stand to lose a whole hell of alot if I do spill my little secret, but what damage will it cause if I keep it to myself? I can admit that I made a mistake, and that it may not happen again, but will that satisfy the innocent party?or am I in for a vast change in my life? I think that question that needs to be answered is "will it happen again?" I cannot answer that honestly. I know I cannot. If the other person involved in this, excluding the innocent one, called me up; or should I say in today's times; texted me, would I drop everything I am doing to run to that person? Will I want to be with that person as I am now or would I finally have the strength to say NO and mean it? I don't think I would be able to say NO and mean it to this person. What does that mean? I haven't a clue. I know that there is something about this person who makes me smile, laugh, and relax. Even after all these years, I still am attracted to him in the most humanly way possible. How can this all be? Why is the attraction so great that I can't let go? I wish I knew the answers to my many questions. Perhaps in time the sky will clear, and the answer will appear from Heaven.
Blasts from the Past and ALL THAT JAZZ ..
Has anyone ever thought of where they would be 10 years down the road when they were back in their teenage years? I know I didn't. I just lived each day as it was meant to live. There was once an old adage that was said to me, "If something means alot to you, let it go ... if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be, and if it never returns, it wasn't meant to be" ... has anyone else ever heard that phrase or something thereof? I joined Facebook due to a little pressure from my dear friend, Char Char, and since that time, I have gotten in contact with all parts of my past, present and future. WOW !! That is all I can say. I am still dumbfounded by the shear number of people that know one another and how small the world really is. Recently, I have come into contact with some people that I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought about until lately. My Blast from the Past is in full frontal gear and ready to rock and roll ! Shock of my night and all that jazz ! This is all thanks to Facebook, mind you, that the world became smaller with each and every friend request that is accepted. How can something so insignificant come to be a large part of my daily life? Is there some mesmorizing piece of the puzzle that I miss when I log on? Is there some hold on the people who have joined, or will be joining that make it so interesting to talk for hours on end about miscellaneous bull that isn't really significant in the daily existence of life? I have yet to discover what draws my constant attention, my every spare minute ... you know the one I am talking about ... the comment when you say, Oh I am only going to see who is online, read some status updates and log off, and then 3 hours later, you have yet to log off, having gotten into a conversation of one the million of people who know people who know even more people. It gets exasperating just to think in shear number size of how many members there are and how many more join everyday.
But excuse me while I get back to the topic at hand, ... so my blast from the past is someone that I haven't seen in almost 11 years, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, I haven't worked out the specifics yet, and anyhow, first off I was surprised that he accepted MY friend request. second, I was quite surprised when he accepted a conversation with me. third, i was very surprised when we chatted for over an hour. needless to say, IMPRESSIVE. Maybe a true friendship will build from here, because back when I can say we knew each other then, there wasn't. At least if you think about it long enough, it wasn't. But we don't live in the past, only the present and we look forward to the future. However, my goal was not to develop a true lifelong friendship at the door. Curiousity and all that jazz were the main focal points of the conversation. I learned some things, said some things, hopefully got a laugh on some things, but basically just enjoyed the first conversation I have had in a long time where someone doesn't want something from me in the next few minutes or hours. Just an easy going conversation, no pressure ... and that is just what I needed after the previous week from hell. My one only hope is that is won't be a one time deal, that it could possibly happen again, if the timing is right and ALL THAT JAZZ!!
