Geez ... it has been soooo long since I have gotten a chance to write a new blog. Since September it looks like. So much has happened. Mario moved out November 3!! Yay for me, and I finished school on November 6th!!... double yay for me... Anyhow, I have been working for a small company in Malvern doing bookkeeeping and some other accounting things. Its a nice paying job, easy location and friendly coworkers. I stayed in the house with the kids and I collect child support from my soon to be ex husband every week... Life is good at this point. I am okay with being by myself raising 4 kids, especially with the Holiday season right around the corner. They are doing wonderful with being with just MOM... much to my ex spouse's dismay. Oh well, his life will go on just like mine is. Nothing much else is going on... life is a gift, one that I look forward to each and every day. I have learned to live for today, pray for tomorrow and hope for the future. Happy H0lidays, Everyone !!
Just Read so You know where I am now ...
Until I logged on to here, I didn't realize that it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog. Where does the time go? I am so busy with school, kids, football, and everything else in between that I barely have a chance to catch my breath. But enough about the mundane things that have been going on lately, let's get to the good stuff...
Well, where do I start? Let's see ... hmm... I am on my last term at school, graduation is looming up quickly, only 6 more weeks to go ... Yay Me !! Then I will be on to bigger and better things for sure, at least I hope so, but only time will tell... And hopefully that will include the friends I have made along the way. Some stressful issues have come to play lately, especially with my "midnight poker" player, and just some basic bull from some friends. I am a good person, I know I am. I make decisions, personal decisions, that I think are affecting me and me only. No one in my house knows exactly where I go when I go out, and they don't care to ask. What kind of situation does that show? Not a good one in my books... but it's good in the way that it allows me the freedom I crave to be a wild person for just that one night in time. And lately, it has been that one night in time situation, just because school and other obligations are demanding such a high priority in our lives. I wish for just one night that all the obligations that have been in the way of a midnight poker game would just disappear and allow the games to begin. But however, it hasn't and I am no longer sure if it will continue. I ask myself daily if this is what I truely want and is it what I truely deserve? Haven't I had enough of being the last person on someone's list? Obviously by the way I am barely hanging on to my secret, I haven't; which makes me question who I am and what the hell am I doing? I wish things were different, yet I have a instinct that they won't. For some reason, I feel as if my time spent with my midnight poker player was just a figment of imagination and wishful thinking, but I know that isn't right because I was there, playing along with the game and enjoying it to the fullest. Now I wonder, where did it all go wrong? Why isn't it as easy as it was then? Was that it? Or is there something more to come? I got asked if I was planning on leaving my husband, and truthfully, I am but all in due time. I have children to protect and care for and they are my first priority. I squeeze out time to text, call, or just IM and I get barely a nibble in return. Am I that much of an embarrassment to you? Or is the end near? Don't give me the crap about not liking what you are reading either cause I have had enough of the excuses. I want the damn truth and nothing but the truth. Since I am the one putting myself at risk for losing everything, its the least you can do.
Saying I'm Sorry
How do you say you're sorry to someone if they aren't listening? I have called, texted, left voicemails and still no response. As I sit here crying, I wonder was my comment so bad? Even after everything else that has been said, was it really worth all this dismay? How many times can I say I am sorry for jumping the gun and saying something that was mean? Plans were made, and broken various times over the course of time, and yet because I made a mistake and a rude comment, the one plan that was set in stone was disrupted. I have tried everything I can think of to make it right. Is it time that you need to get over the anger? Or is everything completely finished? What does "good day" mean? I know you are mad at me, but itsn't this worth talking it through? Isn't it worth a phone call or a text? Why the silent treatment? That just makes everything worse than before. When I got home after running to the store, I got asked why I was so upset and crying; and yet again I made up some excuse for my sadness. I wanted to be with you as planned for the night, and unfortunately it didn't happen. Which I know is completely my fault, I am not saying its not my fault. It's like what was said in the texts from prior days: all I want is to be held all night long, to gossip, to laugh, to have fun, and it doesn't always have to end up with intimacy. We aren't spring chickens anymore. Please forgive me. I am truely sorry.
